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|Friday, September 10th, 2010|
|Holy Crap, Youre Still Here?!
Well, I epically failed at being more "attentive in 2008" and '09 and most of 2010... What?! A lots happened since then. I had my laptop stolen, I've had my computer crash, get viruses and become a very large paper weight, and I've gone stretches without a computer at all. Now, however, we've got mobile devices that allow us connectivity anywhere and everywhere (where service is available, roaming charges may apply,etc...)! Well, a brief recap is in order I suppose. "The ex" I spent so much time pining over is out of my life. Since then I've had one relationship and a fair few "special friends"... Speaking of friends a good number of mine have married or otherwise coupled and begun reproducing! Nature always finds a way. *sigh* I've since changed jobs and residences and am now a CPhT and EMT. There is a lot of hope for the future. Well, until next time.
|Sunday, December 16th, 2007|
|Clarity in Darkness
Its interesting, love. It can be the perfect mirror. Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes can help to shape your perception of yourself. Seeing how you appear to other people in contrast to your own understanding of who your are can help you to understand who you really are, who you've really become, and how much is still left to be done. This can be an awesome tool to help you grow and move closer to who you feel you want to be. It motivates you to achieve the goals that you have pushed aside or forgotten about. It can truly bring clarity in the darkest of moments, helping you to realize that you are not alone and that there are people who honestly desire to know you and reach into your heart. Can they survive this task, can they overcome the complex nature that guards each of us who have ever been hurt? Perhaps not. But is it fair to make it difficult for them either? No. Its about diplomacy and availability. Grant them the same openness and freedom they express with you. Honor the commitments that are made and trust that they are indeed being honored. To doubt is to invite fear and turmoil. Be cautious, yes, and keep a watchful eye. But in your heart, in your deeds, trust that person you've allowed to play a part in your life and given the opportunity to become a part of your life. For without it, the person stands no chance of surviving your defenses or the relationship. Current Mood: content
|Wednesday, December 12th, 2007|
|What is Hell?
Neither unquenchable fire nor undying worm can bring truth in the understanding that it is not what tortures can be inflicted on the spirit and the soul but that Hell is simply being separated from the presence of God with no promise of salvation or redemption.
So lift your praises to the Lord each day for no day is promised. Rejoice in the rising of the sun for this is yet another time where by we can bask in the Glory and love of our God. For there may come a time were His hands are withdrawn from this would and His word speaks to no heart and moves on no spirit of man. For we are indeed creatures for the Glory of God therefore we must be in His presence. For there is no good, peace, hope, love, joy, happiness, or grace except that God causes it to be so.
The battle between flesh and spirit wages deep within the hearts of man. The unrest that exists in our lives from our tempers to our generations are the scales that weigh the progress of this struggle. All too often our flesh wins out and that which God offers to those who truly believe is lost to the notion that we can do for ourselves that which God has created and mastered. What fools we are, to believe we can master what no man before has done alone. Our arrogance is the seed that spreads disaster and pain, for when we choose our will and place our faith in what we perceive we control then we open the doors for all that causes pain and distress for our hearts were made for only one master. Which master will you choose? What seeds will you plant? And in your decision, are you prepared for your harvest; the consequences of your choices? Current Mood: thoughtful
|Monday, December 10th, 2007|
|As The World Turns
Tomorrow is my Birthday. As usual I always manage to come back to this when my life is less than ideal but here I am. I'll be 27 tomorrow. 3 - years away from retirement! lol. Anyways, I'll try to be more attentive to my entries in 2008. Happy Holidays! Current Mood: blank
|Saturday, September 30th, 2006|
|The Path To Honor
It is through duty that one should come to know honor; to know what is right and to take action to ensure that what is right is what is done. That one should sacrifice their feelings and beliefs for what is just. This is what is honorable. Bringing into control any prejuduce or thought that would prevent the completion of your duty, of your obligation to what is good. Also, in forgiveness, we should learn from such mistakes as are completed by those around us and ourselves so that we can keep the the continuity of righteousness. Our promise made in our hearts as a child to love all things good and therefore protect sunch things. Lest our hearts become corrupt by our weekness and lust. The lust for all things selfish and indulgent.
|Monday, January 2nd, 2006|
|New Year's Prophecy...
Its a new year and new time! 2006 is here at last! Now what the hell should I expect this year... This is my year to try. Last year I took a nice little break and just let things happen. Some of the hings that happened were good some were bad. I lost friends and I lost people I love. Even at times I lost hope and faith that this would ever turn around. Now that 2006 is here, its a whole new game! Its time to take my life back! And this is the year to do it. Those who were estranged from my life in 2005 will start to make small appearances in my life in 2006, not to say that things will patch up but there will be communication even on the most basic level. Work will become more stressful as my desire to succeed and move up continues to grow. Time for friends will be and interesting and some what magical feat. Where once I was to busy I will find I have more than enough time to hang out with friends. This of course is not to say that I will have nothing going on. This is a very busy year for me indeed.
Here's to 2006 may this year bring the joy and success that we strive for in our daily lives. Current Mood: optimistic
|Friday, December 30th, 2005|
|The Healing Wound
Though the scab is almost complete still the salt of life finds it way into the wound. Pain and irritation stimulate throbbing, stinging discomfort. "Wont this ever heal? Won't it ever go away?" A nagging pain, ongoing and never really stopping the wound serves to remind me of what was, what is, and what could have been. The memories of what was lost verses what is left seem strangely imbalanced. Much as the wound serves to remind i trust the scar will serve to empower. I can only hope and pray that strength and not bitterness develop in my time of grief. However this times seems unending. And eternal punishment for a sin unknown. What act have i committed to cause such misery in life and love? Why should my hope be tested in such a manner? In time I may come to find out but for now I must focus on the healing wound. The faster is closes the easier it'll be to forget. Current Mood: creative
|Friday, December 9th, 2005|
I got a new car!!! It was exactly a week ago yesterday!. Its a 2006 Ford Focus. I know a lot of people have been giving me shit about getting another Ford but its a nice car and its new and has a warranty and is insured and has valid plates (all of which my other vehicle didn't; Sshh, don't tell anyone)... My Birthday is coming up here on the 11th. I plan on taking a road trip to Vegas!!! That should be fun... Anywho I have to run. Everyone have a great day and a Happy Holidays!! Current Mood: bouncy
|Tuesday, November 8th, 2005|
|Man Or Machine
The alarm clock sounds and awake I find my self suddenly laying, staring at the ceiling. Watching blanking as my ceiling fan rotates steadily. Without even giving thought to why or what-for I am up and on my way to the bathroom. So begins my normal day. Take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, make breakfast and I'm out the door. Going through my day with as little brain power as possible as little me as can be achieved and still manage to be present during the points that count. Almost machine like I exist on autopilot. Actions so well known that I can be a million miles away and still perform them effortlessly and with precision. Where am I? Where do I exist in the midst of this scheduled, regimented life? Am I more man or machine?
I feel so trapped, so suffocated by my life, by my everyday actions, chores, and responsibilities. Its not me. Its not who I am. There's but only a sliver of my spirit, my soul in anything I do throughout an ordinary day. I feel Like I'm losing myself to my "life" as its required of me, as its expected of me. I miss the juvenile days not because of youth but because of freedom of self. The Identity I had then and the person I was then. I knew myself. I liked myself and I was confident in myself then. Now, I couldn't identify myself from any other working drone if I tried. Current Mood: discontent
|Thursday, November 3rd, 2005|
In hollow, empty dreams I find the echo of what was; A shadow of who I used to be. In tear lit darkness I morn that which was lost. Silent sobs surround my swollen heart. Throbbing, pounding, ever wrenching, my heart forces life through my veins.
Strange, the power of words. They can create vision, they can establish fear. Words can bring joy and hope and they cause great pain. Simple words. spoken or read is the effect any different, any less potent? Perhaps, perhaps not.
Broken, rent, my hearts lays spilled out in front of me. A fallen angel condemned to a plane of despair. Gazing blanking upward to a beauty, a heaven once for me.
Shackled, bound, defeated by love. The power by which gives life is the tool by which my life is stolen. Memories, echos, voice of peace. Words of hope ring darkly in my head as I view my love flowing away from me like the rivers that flow steadily to the ocean. Slowly, methodically, an unimpaired force by which I am powerless to effect but only granted audience as a sadistic gift by which to witness my own end.
Broken, rent, my hearts lays spilled out in front of me. A fallen angel condemned to a plane of despair. Gazing blanking upward to a beauty, a heaven not for me. Pain, anguish, a single tears falls. A whisper, a breeze, subtle words graze my lips: If you want to make dreams come true, all you have to do is wake up!
Glistening, falling, a single tear hold so much emotion. In so much darkness, through so much pain. Its hear I find truth, Its here I fine hope. Current Mood: blank
|Friday, October 14th, 2005|
|The Land of Mundania
Drama! Its everywhere. Then again we are naturally dramatic people so it would only serve that there would be drama but there is a difference from what occurs naturally and what is initiated. I find that those craving attention of who fear that the attention they are currently receiving will initiate a certain level of drama; to regain the attention of the desired person or persons. But is that appropriate and if so when do you stop? How much is too much?
Life seems so mundane. Its the same thing over and over. Never a change, no spontaneity and no challenges. The most exciting my life seems to get anymore is the occasional outing i get and what ever drama i magically get involved in or have the pleasure of being a spectator of. Sometimes it is a genuinely challenging question as to is my prime-time tv more or less entertaining than whats going on at this moment. (thats bad, by the way, or perhaps sad). I've dealt with the loss of a best friend, the reaffirmation of friendships from old ones, falling in love, falling out of love, being loved in return, being used, being lied to, being betrayed, being a supporter, being the bearer of bad news. This year I've been hospitalized twice, nearly lost a good job, have had to many close calls to count, way to many second chances, faith reaffirmed and dashed in the same stroke, hope tested beyond what is normally expected of people, and i have been challenged by almost every person i know. I said this was going to be a difficult year...i had no idea what i was saying until now. More difficult choices lie ahead for me. i struggle to find the strength to face these choices and follow through.
|Saturday, September 24th, 2005|
|That Was Fun...
Ok, first night out with the guys! Went to a house party. So much fun. I had to leave early though cause of that whole financial institution thing we all like to call work. It was just getting good too! It was so nice just to cut loose and have a good time. Just to hang out and be in the company of other people looking to have a good time. Granted their methods maybe a little more extreme than my own but ultimately the intent is the same. Have Fun! And thats precisely what I did. I went to dinner with my family and my best friend and then i went to the house party all in all I don't think i could have asked for a better night. It was almost perfect except for the having to go home early thing! There ill be other weekends and there will be other parties. i just can't get over what I've been missing.. I forgot how much fun it is to just be out there in the world doing whatever. It was refreshing... Well off to bed I go.. ttfn Current Mood: happy
|Thursday, September 22nd, 2005|
|All In The Name Of Progress!
Hours move into days and days into weeks now as I've begun the slow process of reclaiming my life. To long have I been asleep, slave to my secret sense of guilt and longing. Why i blame myself and why i feel responsible are no longer valid (Nor has it ever truly been). We are all free to make our choices and only in after making those choices are we slave to the consequences of those choices and of the following actions. Assuming responsibility for the free will of someone else is not only unfair to me but highly illogical. It is not possible to assume full responsibility for the choices of another person. Perhaps those choices were influenced by me but I am not the person who chose to act upon the decisions made.
Neutrality is a force unto its self. Both the most desired of positions and the most hated! For those who attain it and can maintain it they find a wisdom that surpasses normal understanding. Realizing that life is linear and always flowing forward. As such, every action that is taken now will affect that which lies in its path out from this point. From this perspective one can also observe the effects of the choices made by those around us. We can deduce and even predict the outcome of these choices. However tied to the consequence we may be, we are far more prepared for it than those to focused on the mundane aspects of everyday life. Furthermore, to covet this lifestyle or this viewpoint has its price. There can be no allegiances. Ali's, but no pacts to exclusivity. Your friends are your friends and you can be the best friend that you can humanly be but you cannot place one person over another. Favoritism or bias is the mark of an un-evolved spirit; clinging to the connections made in this life while ignoring the higher connections that can be made by the spirit. By no means is this saying that to be exclusive to your friends is wrong. Its simply a choice. Keep balance and objectivity or be bias and loyal. Neither is an extreme to be adhered to but there can be variables between the two.. But keep in mind the more bias you are of a person or persons the less your balance and objectivity can be kept.
This is just a thought that i toss around.. Who do i want to be; indifferent, cold, objective, and logical or perhaps loyal, bias, emotional, and compassionate. This I think is a struggle that may last for a long time but for the mean time... Its time to be apart of my life instead of watching it pass me by. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Saturday, September 17th, 2005|
*Sigh* So it begins. My feelings for my ex have all but diminished into complete apathy. I don't hate him nor do I wish any ill will upon him. I still have concern for his well being but I don't care for him as a person as much. When I look at him there is a phrase that comes to mind. "You are my ex nothing more nothing less, it would be in error that you assumed me to be your friend." I say that not to be mean or spiteful but to acknowledge a certain truth about this situation. Friends hang out, they talk and enjoy each others company. Friends communicate and take interest in each others lives, fears, concerns, hopes, & joys... He doesn't exhibit any of these traits. He spends time at his 'beni-friends' house or out wondering the streets. The improvement in his overall personality is discouraging at best. Despite all his comments to the contrary he has displayed no genuine interest in pursuing any type of evolved living that could remotely be confused for societal norm. He struggles so much to be independent but yet he rejects the burden and responsibility required for such a life. He clings to the juvenile way of living where everything is care free and friends will always be there no matter what. This isn't always the case. This is real life and people have tolerances. Its clear to me that he really doesn't understand what selflessness is or true compassion. If he did he would realize how much I put into ensuring he gets the best opportunity to succeed. I feel like a disheartened parent looking at their child's life and wondering where I went wrong... What could I have done better?... I have so much hope in him to be the person he wants to be but my faith in his ability, better, his drive and resolve to get there....well thats something else. I don;t wish to over-shadow his accomplishments with his failures, for he has made some pretty big accomplishments but how do you compare the height of a river to that of a mountain?... Both are strong and notable in their own rite but hardly comparable. I pray that in time he will realize just how short and delicate and fragile this life is. And perhaps in that he will also understand, despite my resilience, how fragile I am. Current Mood: apathetic
|Friday, September 16th, 2005|
Ok, so I woke up feeling both affirmed and pathetic this morning. My ex came home after spending two nights at his beni-friends house. I was upset because he had been gone for two days knowing that there was a curfew of 1am, but hey whatever. We had a short conversation and then left and went out to eat and walked around and read my Harry Potter book(which is getting good by the way; The Half Blood Prince). I came home and took a shower and went to bed. I had many different dream but one stood out to me.. it included my ex.. We were shopping at a mall and I had bought something earlier in the day but I needed to go back to the store to get it. Well the store was in the process of closing and it took a little time for them to find what I had purchased and then get it together so that they could give it to me (remember this is a dream, its all abstract). My ex decided to go wait for me at the car. Meanwhile I struck up a conversation with one of the employees who was at the store and we were talking forever.. it was about and hour or so since when my ex left that I finally left the store. I called him to find out where he was and what he was doing he said "Here at the car waiting for you...I missed you..." Other word were said that I don't remember but they left me feeling like he was flirting with me... Flirting?! My ex! *shakes head* Ok, so, whatever. My dream continues on a tangent that no longer involves my ex but I was like wtf. I letter thought about it and came to the realization that I want him to want me or at least miss me. I want to believe that there is some sense of longing in him for me. I know this isn't true but according to my dream its a desire that I harbor. Love can be so annoying sometimes...just give it up already! The body is supposed to follow the orders of the mind well my mind says stop feeling for him but my body(heart) is like well maybe if we wait then... Bull-Shit!!! Its never going to happen! I can't even sleep with out being haunted by these emotions.. whats the deal.. its not like he's my soul mate! Current Mood: blah
|Thursday, September 15th, 2005|
|Life as we know it...
Things are slowly getting back to normal regarding work life. Things are still a little rough around the edges regarding home life. My roommates dont like where we live and are looking for another place to move...without me. My EX is breaking house rules left and right and then getting upset at me when I get upset at him for breaking rules... I feel like somewhere around Jan of this year I lost myself and someone else inhabited me and my life and now i'm in some really bad reality tv show. I think I should just stop caring about everything all together... Stop caring about people and places and things that once had importance to me. If there is no emotional attachment than the probability of being hurt is less. But again there is the ever present truth that I, in avoiding the pain, will avoid the pleasures of these things, however infrequent they may be. Does everything in life have to be a catch 22? Current Mood: complacent
|Monday, September 12th, 2005|
Ok, so my day wasn't all that bad. I got up got ready and finally went back to work after being on leave for like two weeks. It wasn't the most exciting use of my time but it was nice to be doing something again other than sitting around the house. The irony however was that I have been sick for over two weeks and I go back to work and all but like three member of my team are sick... (Greeeaat) So I pull out the trusty Lysol Bottle and made sure everyone knows exactly where it is... I cant afford to get sick again seeing as I used the last of my sick time during this fiasco.
I was supposed to work out today but I decided against that. I figure I should ease myself back into the whole being active and running around with my head cut off mentality that I normally sport. So I cam home and chatted with some friends and just enjoyed the conversations.. and then my trusty, loving, caring, compassion roommates decide to go out to dairy Queen and(they of course know i like DQ) go with out even so much as hinting to the possibility that I may be welcome to join.. My roommate asked the other right in front of me to go with him... WTF!... Thats bullshit! What a way to start the week. I know its only DQ but its the fact that the could decide to go some place and not even consider that I may want to join. People Suck! Current Mood: angry
|Sunday, September 11th, 2005|
Today... Need I say more. This is a day that many choose to forget, or choose to reflect upon. Either way it is a day that has some value for most people. For me I can remember what I was doing on sept 11 2001, and I can remember the feelings that followed every anniversary after. Its a day that begs us the think and remember what we've gone through, what we've endured, and how we can grow and become better. Despite all the feeling that this day holds it also should encourage us and give us hope. Knowing what we can survive should empower us to be stronger and more secure in ourselves and our sense of country.
As for me, I have to admit that progress is being made and I am becoming again more self sufficient and feelings of individuality are coming back. This is good. I'n no time i'll be in a position to be myself again and not feel so odd around the "ex"... (still relief will not come soon enough). Challenges however still persist and race still needs to be run. Best piece of advice: one step at a time. Current Mood: calm
|Saturday, September 10th, 2005|
This process by which I heal is difficult. It's thankless and very few people ever recognize that it is even being attempted. I'm quiet and I express my feelings to no one. I sort things out in my head and in my heart and sometimes its hard to get the two to meet on any given subject. I feel like and abused spouse and her best friend. One clinging to the idea of love no matter how much pain it causes while the other reason with her to move on. Move on to what? Its a futile game these emotions play. Hoping for what wont happen. They have such resilience towards the hope that the love I want will return but show little interest towards using that energy in letting go. I want to so bad. I know he is no good for me. And I'm not even sure I can maintain a friendship with him after all is said and done but... I want that feeling back. And right now that feeling has a face, and its him.
I've met someone who is pretty cool. Its not fair to him to be so emotionally unavailable, even if the only thing to come of our relationship is friendship he should be able to see all of me for who I am. Not cowering behind false hopes and empty wishes. *sigh* Love is the ultimate two edged sword.
I can't even say with any certainty that thats what it is anymore. I think love died and all that remains is the memory of what it was and how it felt. I need time and space. I need to know that everything will be ok and that life goes on and that love comes again. Otherwise, why feel... Current Mood: cold