Azcool (azcool) wrote,
Azcool
azcool

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Healing; Slowly

This process by which I heal is difficult. It's thankless and very few people ever recognize that it is even being attempted. I'm quiet and I express my feelings to no one. I sort things out in my head and in my heart and sometimes its hard to get the two to meet on any given subject. I feel like and abused spouse and her best friend. One clinging to the idea of love no matter how much pain it causes while the other reason with her to move on. Move on to what? Its a futile game these emotions play. Hoping for what wont happen. They have such resilience towards the hope that the love I want will return but show little interest towards using that energy in letting go. I want to so bad. I know he is no good for me. And I'm not even sure I can maintain a friendship with him after all is said and done but... I want that feeling back. And right now that feeling has a face, and its him.
I've met someone who is pretty cool. Its not fair to him to be so emotionally unavailable, even if the only thing to come of our relationship is friendship he should be able to see all of me for who I am. Not cowering behind false hopes and empty wishes. *sigh* Love is the ultimate two edged sword.
I can't even say with any certainty that thats what it is anymore. I think love died and all that remains is the memory of what it was and how it felt. I need time and space. I need to know that everything will be ok and that life goes on and that love comes again. Otherwise, why feel...
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